LAB.ORATORY
Few places in the world are like Lab, the biggest sex club in Berlin. The club resides in the cement monolith of an ex-industrial power plant, and a sign by its entrance reads, “Men Only.” Hundreds of men enter through Lab’s steel doors into a dark labyrinthine world where hundreds and hundreds of these men fuck, fuck, rest, then fuck again. Fucking at Lab is an experience unlike any other. Let me guide you through this experience.
From the Ubahn station Warschauer Strasse, you’ll walk through the crowds of young Berliners and tourists. It’s lively with chatter and music. Cross the bridge and if you’re lucky, you’ll see the sun set over Berlin’s skyline in summer. Take a left through a wooded path. In the dark, this park is full of shadows, and distant noises mix with the rustle of leaves. You’ll emerge to a muddy field to see the massive power plant. Berghain, Europe’s hottest club, occupies the upper levels of this complex. Lab is on the lower level, and the entrance is past the line of men and women. Turn the corner and you’ll wait in the silence of a line of only men in a corridor painted black and “LAB.ORATORY” etched in bold red.
The men at Lab range from twinks in their twenties with long smooth legs, to athletic men in their thirties with taut bellies and bouncy buttocks, to bearded men in their forties with thick biceps and a barrel chest, to a few older men with grey beards and hefty penises. Depending on the night’s theme, these men may be shirtless in jeans (a Friday night), in sport shorts (during Lab Dance), or from head to toe in leather (don’t ask me when). The men may also be wearing nothing at all (Thursdays and the first Sunday of the month, don’t ask why I know). It all depends, and this is the first thing to know: each night at Lab is a unique experience because the number and type of men always change. A good night one Friday may become euphoric the next, or the following month, just plain bad. When sex is possible, all these feelings are possible. I’ll help you to have a good night, but some things are beyond anyone’s control.
Big beefy German men are the bouncers, and never mess with them. They’re serious men. They may ask what fetish you’re wearing and if they don’t think you fit the dress code, you don’t fit the dress code. Friday nights are the most popular nights, and you can wear whatever makes you feel sexy (and don’t mind getting dirty or sometimes lost). Friday nights at Lab for 2 for 1 drinks – it’s just harmless and casual fun to meet at the bar for under 20 euros (10 euro entry fee and a couple of beers). Men of all social classes come, and this is a beautiful thing about socialist /ex-communist Berlin. This means you may encounter a student, a blue-collar worker, or a judge. Like I said, all social classes (and because Germany isn’t prudish about sex).
When you enter, here are some things to know: everything is cash. Pay your entry fee, you’ll get a bag and wristband with your number, then head to a seat to change. I always take a moment to admire the men in the midst of changing, but that’s just me. You don’t need to carry any cash on you because you’ll order drinks and be charged by your number, and you’ll pay the bill at the end of the evening (except for Snax, then it’s pay as you drink). Condoms and lube are available inside, so no need to bring those. Whatever drugs you do need, bring those discreetly. That’s why many men wear long socks to tuck their essentials in there, and are less likely to be lost than your shorts or pants (those you throw aside in your throngs of fucking).
Are you changed? Do you feel comfortable with eyes looking at you? Because men are staring, just like you had gazed at that one guy earlier. Here, looking needs no permission. Sex, on the other hand, does (and I’ll tell you about that later). Another thing you need to know: in Lab, the men are fit. It doesn’t mean a six pack, but it does mean the men are comfortable with their bodies. You should be too.
Another thing to know. Men at Lab on can be divided into 2 types: the men who come without intending to fuck (I’ll call these men the Betas) and the ones who come with the explicit purpose to fuck (the Alphas). Depending on the theme, there’s more of one than the other. (Lab Dance, more Betas. Naked night, more Alphas. A regular Friday 2 for 1: fifty Betas for every forty-eight Alphas. I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go along.)
What number did you get on your wristband? I've been a few times on a Friday before midnight, and had a low of 269 to as high as 990. The low number means it’s not very busy but it does mean mostly Alphas. The higher the number, the greater percentage of Betas. As the evening continues, Betas convert to Alphas even as both slowly trickle out of the club (ie as it gets later in the night, the vibe gets more sexual even as it slowly empties from its maximum crowd).
Now that you know what to expect, let me show you around Lab. The main bar is the place to see and be seen, and not really fuck. (I'll tell you why later.) The bartenders are cute and naked, and some enjoy flirting more than others. This main bar has tunnels and hallways that lead to a smaller and more intimate bar, or a labyrinth of sex.
When you appreciate the grand size of Lab’s labyrinth of lust, and the vibe from this size, you’ll know why few places in the world are like this sex club. It comprises the ground floor and basement of a communist-era electrical building, which is already something in itself. Sound engineers were hired to ensure the best acoustics. From the bar, tunnels lead to tunnels to a hall to a mezzanine to a cave and then back to the bar again. In summer, the back yard is opened with shipping containers encircled by a chain fence. Everything feels industrial gritty, but with condoms and lube available. The owners are gay, and I can tell that an artist conceived this place, but with German efficiency. It’s Berlin.
Now, grab another drink and listen to the music. Feel the beat. The music in Lab is techno, but more than music with a beat, it’s music with a beat to fuck to. Intense, industrial fucking. When having sex with another person, when his rhythm syncs with your own because of the intense industrial beat, you feel like one single organism (more on sex later). But keep listening. There’s also another beat, another rhythm, a slower one. This other rhythm is for walking, for the hundreds of men meandering through this maze so that they don’t bump into each other. It takes experience, but Berliners know this other rhythm. They know how to meander through the labyrinth without shoulders bumping and beers knocked out of each other’s hands. It keeps the atmosphere sexy when drinks aren’t bashed about.
Now, the sex, what I call “Convert to Alpha”. Somewhere along your journey in life, you will discover what kind of sex makes you happy as opposed to what kind of sex you think should make you happy. Happy sex versus should-be-making-me-happy sex. There's a difference. Along my own journey of life, I've discovered what that difference means. I am not saying Lab is a spiritual place, I'm just saying you may feel really happy while having hot sex, certainly safe. So when you're at Lab, when you decide to participate, when you're open to have fun with your body, that's when you convert to alpha, and it's exciting, like opening that present on your birthday, that fun new toy. Well, when you have sex with a guy here, it’s like that but more intense because you’re playing with your genitals and you have orgasms. It’s fun, sometimes euphoric, and spices life up on a Friday night.
Friday Night's game of Body Language (ie the sex)
Body language, like that song from Queen, is about rhythm and contrast. One guy sets the rhythm, and the other responds with contrast, like dancing tango, when the man steps forward the woman walks back. Offensive, defensive. Top, bottom. But in a tango dance of two men, imagine when the top steps forward, and the bottom steps forward, but with the other foot? Their hips slam into each other.
I’ll illustrate with examples.
Example #1: A blond German man passes by while in the cave, and I touch his shoulder. He stops, and turns around. We’re both naked and he presents his ass to my cock. So I bend him over and fuck him.
Example #2: A bald German man passes by while in the tunnel. He stops at few steps away from me, and we’re both naked as he presents his ass to my cock. So I bend him over and fuck him.
Example #3: A dark haired German man is bent over while on a bench in the cave. He’s naked and I’m not, so I pull down my shorts, and since he’s already bent over, I fuck him.
Hmmm… maybe these aren’t the best examples.
Look, in truth, this is complicated. Each person is different, and one gesture for one person means something else for another. But after a while, you get a feeling for it. You feel when body language is open or closed (arms open, chest toward you vs arms closed, chest tilted away), or when his body is aggressive or submissive (making his body appear bigger by standing tall vs making his body smaller by falling on his knees and exposing delicate parts of himself). Added to this is the rhythm like a techno sex dance. It’s pretty fun.
And to say no: double tap. Simple as that. Double tap some part of the other guy's body, then walk away.
When sex happens, make sure you know your status and the options to protect yourself from HIV and other STIs. Condoms are part of it, but condoms don’t protect completely against some STIs like gonnorhea. I’ve trained as a medical professional, and know the risks (ie the only 100% safe sex is no sex at all). Super resistant bacteria are a concern, especially for gonnorhea, and sex clubs like Lab could aggravate it, or it could be some men have built resistance to the bug so they don’t get infected and transmission stops (I’ve heard of examples where despite hundreds of sexual partners, they’ve only had gonnorhea once). No one knows, and worrying about the future too much leads to not living in the present (and gonnorhea is currently curable). And when sex in Lab is good, it’s like porn-star-fucking good (not the big studio American ones, but the studios like Tim Tales or Treasure Island Media).
So enjoy Lab. Maybe you’ll engage in sex with another guy, and the chemistry’s off so you move on. No problem. Double tap him, and say you need a break, and it’s all OK. Engage in sex with the next man, and maybe you’ll discover some real sexual fun, the intense kind where a second feels like forever but also an instant. It’s that moment when time almost slows down, it’s that intensely sensual. And when you have an orgasm, maybe it’s not just a 10 but an 11, because the guy you’ve just had sex with was really good at it, like porn-star-fucking good.
Maybe you’re done for the night. Or maybe you have a drink, relax, and after a break, are ready to engage again (this is why the bar shouldn’t be for sex. Some men are there to relax and reset before having sex for another time). It’s not uncommon for men have multiple orgasms at a night in Lab.
When it’s time to leave, go back to coat check. Change into your street clothes, and head to the bar to pay your tab and round up to give a tip. Keep the receipt and hand it to the serious German men by the door and say a polite, “Tchüß.”
Head back to the Ubahn, or take the taxi. If it’s your first time, have a candy in your pocket and enjoy it on your ride back. If it’s a good night, you’ve had good sex. If it’s a euphoric night, you’ve had the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. How many intensely sensual experiences (ISE) did you have? These intensely sensual experiences aren't always about penetrative anal sex, but each time I feel one, I count my ISE for the night (I've also got a lifetime count).
Maybe you’ve learned a thing or two about what kind of sex actually gives you pleasure as opposed to what you think should give you pleasure. There’s nothing wrong in that because, in my humble opinion, good sex is what makes us feel alive. We’re also fortunate to have a place like Lab (without the worry of police raiding the place), and for Lab to exist after the tragedy of AIDS (so we know how to keep us healthy). If you’ve had a bad night, enjoy the candy and think, next time. There’s always next time. (And if you’re really lucky, you leave while the sun rises, and after a euphoric night, this sunrise feels sublime like paradise).
I hope you enjoyed reading about Lab, and I hope this helped you for your upcoming visit to Berlin. And if you’re curious what life in Berlin would be like, you can read my book, Naked Love Berlin. It’s about four men as they spend a year in the German capital flying high, crashing, then picking themselves up again because life is like that, and Berlin is like that. Lab is featured in Chapter 5.